WMEO 9- Breaking News from the Cryptid Desk! We Meow – You Listen
Banner: Good Morning. In a surprsing move Crytid researcher Adrian Shine has declared the Loch Ness Monster a creature of myth and legend. Shine spent decades researching the loch, even moving to a cabin on the shore of Loch Ness in 1973. In his new book “A Naturalist’s View of the Loch Ness Enigma,” Shine attributes sightings to natural phenomena and perception rather than a living creature.
Balboa: “Wait. He spent fifty years looking for Nessie and then wrote a book saying she isn’t there?”
Banner: “Yes. And the book is available now.”
Balboa: I’m shocked. I can’t believe this. Shine led major expeditions in 1987 and 1994. I always thought he was a true believer.
Banner: Yes I’m afraid it’s true. After more than fifty years of investigation, legendary Nessie researcher Adrian Shine has announced that the Loch Ness Monster is likely a myth.
Balboa: So you’re telling me there isn’t a gigantic prehistoric creature hiding in the lake?”
Banner: Lets go to Pumpkin Spice on location at Loch Ness. Pumpkin what is the atmosphere out there? How are the locals taking to this shocking development?
Cut To Pumpkin Spice In Scotland
Pumpkin Spice: Thank you Banner. Emotions are running high. The gift shops remain open, souvenir sales appear stable, and several local ducks have declined comment.”
Balboa: “Have they checked under the couch cushions?”
Pumpkin Spice: “The loch is over 20 miles long.”
Balboa: “That’s a no, then.”
Pumpkin Spice: “Researchers say many sightings may have been caused by waves, optical illusions, and natural phenomena.”
Balboa: Well Pumpkin, have you looked behind you?
Pumpkin Spice: Oh my, WOW! And joining us exclusively is the Loch Ness Monster herself
This is a WMEO Breaking News Exclusive
Pumpkin Spice: Welcome Ms. Monster. err Nessie. Welcome to WMEO 9 Live
🦕 Nessie: “First of all, I’m very disappointed.”
🎤 Pumpkin Spice: “Disappointed?”
🦕 Nessie: “I’ve spent decades maintaining an air of mystery. Appearing briefly. Remaining elusive. Building my brand.”
🎤 Pumpkin Spice: “And now?”
🦕 Nessie: “Now apparently I’m a myth.”
🎤 Pumpkin Spice: “Mr. Shine says the evidence suggests you don’t exist.”
🦕 Nessie: “I’m literally standing right here.”
🎤 Pumpkin Spice: “That’s a fair point.”
🦕 Nessie: “Do you know how hard it is to get decent coverage these days? Bigfoot gets documentaries. Mothman gets conventions. I get declared imaginary.”
🎤 Pumpkin Spice: “Any message for your fans?”
🦕 Nessie: “Yes. Continue buying souvenirs.”
🎤 Pumpkin Spice: “And for your critics?”
🦕 Nessie: “I shall remain just blurry enough to be inconvenient.”
🎤 Pumpkin Spice: “There you have it. The Loch Ness Monster strongly disputes allegations that she does not exist.”
🦕 Nessie: “With all due respect, being called a myth by someone you’ve known for fifty years really stings.”
🎤 Pumpkin Spice: “An emotional day here at Loch Ness.”
WMEO: Giving equal time to cryptids since five minutes ago.
