This is a WMEO 9 Special report We Meow – You Listen
Banner: Good evening. We begin tonight with an update on a developing story that has captivated viewers across the Hudson Valley, the Berkshires, and apparently several nearby star systems.
Balboa: The alien abduction of our field reporter, Pumpkin Spice!
Banner: Alleged alien abduction.
Balboa: Banner, there was literally a UFO hovering over Pumpkin yesterday.
Banner: We have not independently verified that.
Balboa: The UFO independently verified it.
Banner: Nevertheless, Pumpkin Spice disappeared while investigating reports of mysterious aerial activity.
Balboa: And now he’s back.
Banner: Safe and unharmed.
Balboa: The aliens, however, may not be.
Banner: We go now live to Pumpkin Spice with this exclusive report.
“Exclusive: My Trip Through Space”
Pumpkin Spice: Thank you, Banner. I can now confirm that I have returned from what can only be described as an extended journalistic assignment.
Banner: Pumpkin, many viewers want to know. Were you abducted?
Pumpkin Spice: The extraterrestrials prefer the term “unexpected guest exchange program.”
Balboa: That’s alien for abduction.
Pumpkin Spice: The important thing is that I maintained my professionalism throughout the experience.
Banner: How long were you aboard the spacecraft?
Pumpkin Spice: Approximately six hours.
Balboa: That’s a long time.
Pumpkin Spice: Especially when conducting interviews.
Banner: Interviews?
Pumpkin Spice: Naturally. Upon arrival I began gathering information regarding propulsion systems, navigational procedures, interstellar diplomacy, alien cuisine, spacecraft maintenance schedules, and possible connections to the Hudson Valley sightings.
Balboa: You interrogated the aliens.
Pumpkin Spice: Journalism, Balboa.
Banner: Were the aliens cooperative?
Pumpkin Spice: At first, yes. They seemed quite interested in speaking with Earth’s media.
Banner: And then?
Pumpkin Spice: I requested clarification regarding faster-than-light travel.
Balboa: Reasonable.
Pumpkin Spice: Then I asked for supporting documentation.
Banner: Ah.
Pumpkin Spice: Then maintenance records.
Banner: Oh no.
Pumpkin Spice: Then crew manifests.
Banner: Pumpkin…
Pumpkin Spice: Then I requested comments on crop circles, cattle mutilations, moon bases, and whether Bigfoot has ever applied for interplanetary citizenship.
Balboa: You asked all that?
Pumpkin Spice: Several times.
According to sources familiar with the situation, the alien crew initially welcomed questions.
Pumpkin: “Just one more question.”
Pumpkin: “Just one follow-up.”
Pumpkin: “Can you elaborate on that?”
Pumpkin: “Let’s circle back to unexplained lights.”
Banner: So how exactly did you make it home?
Pumpkin Spice: At approximately the six-hour mark, the captain informed me that Earth was nearby and suggested it would be best if I continued my investigation there.
Balboa: Suggested?
Pumpkin Spice: The exact quote was, “Please leave.”
Banner: That’s rather direct.
Pumpkin Spice: The crew then opened the hatch and pointed toward Massachusetts.
Balboa: They dumped you out!
Pumpkin Spice: They provided transportation.
Banner: Pumpkin, before we let you go, did the aliens leave any final message for the people of Earth?
Pumpkin Spice: They did.
Banner: And what was it?
Pumpkin Spice: They asked that all future media inquiries be directed to somebody else.
Balboa: Incredible.
Pumpkin Spice: They also requested that I stop sending follow-up questions.
Banner: Have you?
Pumpkin Spice: Absolutely not.
Balboa: That’s our reporter!
